April 19th, 2016.

Today’s one of those days where I feel like I’m on the brink of a panic attack without ever actually having one. I almost wish I could just have one and get it over with, but instead my anxiety is deciding to be just on the edge of eruption all day. Of course this is typical for any college student at finals time, but I haven’t even reached finals week yet and I already feel the walls closing in as my assignments and textbooks suffocate me. I imagine myself failing my exams because my anxiety and depression are so debilitating that I can’t study, and then my GPA drops to a 2.0 and I fall off the Dean’s List and have to delete that proud line off my resumé that reads, “Dean’s List: All Semesters.” I don’t know what’ll come after that but my mind tells me it’s complete shame and utter failure.

I know it’s ridiculous to go to these extremes, and even if I’m not on the Dean’s List it’s really okay. It’s not that I think this is normal or acceptable – I know it’s ridiculous and I should just calm down and remember that no one’s going to ask me what my GPA was my sophomore year when I’m interviewing for a job. It’s not my brain telling me that I’m a failure if I’m not a straight-A student, it’s my anxiety telling me that.

I always encourage people that they’re so much more important than their grades and that they should always make sure they’re taking care of themselves before anything else, but this makes me one of the biggest hypocrites I know. I’ve been shaking most of today, having extremely negative thoughts and feeling nauseous, but I refuse to let my attendance grade drop in class because if I don’t show up one day then my whole grade will drop and my GPA will drop and I won’t be on the Dean’s List, so why would I ever skip class? I’ll just fall behind and I don’t even know what I would do to make myself feel better anyways.

I wish I could be an example for others who struggle mentally by showing them that taking care of your body and mind will ultimately help your grades and any other goals that you have. I wish I could say I took today off to take care of myself so that by tomorrow I could get back to being productive without wanting to throw up.

Sometimes I’m almost proud of my anxiety and depression because of how much they’ve taught me – but those are the times that I look at them as something I’ve conquered and is in the past. On days like these, I’m brought back down to the reality that reminds me that I don’t actually have control over everything. I’m sure this experience is somehow fruitful; either I’ll learn something from it or maybe someone will read this and feel less alone in their struggle. I’m just not sure why God is putting me through this right now, which just makes me feel bitter.

Maybe the reason I feel so anxious and bitter and negative is because I didn’t get that internship and that guy did and I’m resentful that I’m not as good as he is. Maybe it’s because I got in a fight with my boyfriend last night and I’m overthinking whether he really wants to be with me. Maybe it’s because I got a B+ on that article that I thought I did really well on. Maybe it’s because I told that girl I would go to that event she’s hosting but I’m not going because I feel like I have too much to do so I feel like a bad friend. It’s probably all of these things combining into the common theme in my life where I feel like I’m not good enough.

Typing that pains me because of how cliché it sounds, but that’s really what it all comes down to. My imperfections tell me that I’m always doing something wrong, which is another big piece of evidence for my hypocrisy. I truly believe that everyone is enough, everyone is valuable in their own way, and everyone is so deeply loved by someone. It’s not that I don’t think anyone loves me – I know Jesus does. But I have a hard time believing that people on this earth do, other than the family members who love me because they have to.

And here we are, back to my illness taking over my mind – it’s not my brain telling me that I’m unlovable, it’s my depression telling me that. This is NOT a cry for help or sympathy; I don’t want you to text me and say “I love you stop thinking you’re not enough.” I want you to tell yourself that you’re loved and you’re enough, and I want you to know that you’re really not alone if you relate to anything I’ve said here.

You are more than the numbers on your transcript, and I hope everyone reminds themselves of that as they head into these last few weeks of the semester. Maybe if I keep telling myself that, I’ll believe it, too.